Honest Doctor Who
by DerangedOptimist
Summary: In which I give my (probably) completely (but mostly hilarious) honest opinion on the Characters in the Whoniverse, Old and New! No offense meant by anything I write, this is written purely for fun! Old AND NewWho characters!
1. Ood-The Cuttlefish Heads

**Ood- The Cuttlefish Heads (Because have you ever SEEN a Cuttlefish?! It looks SO MUCH like an Ood it's not even funny!)**

**Disclaimer: What do you think?**

* * *

><p>The Doctor and Donna were flying back from the Ood Sphere after they had taken down Ood Operations and freed the Hive Mind from Warehouse 15, when Donna walked over and poked the Doctor.<p>

"Oi! Spaceman!"

"_What_ Donna? He turned to face her, hoping that the plucky redhead hadn't found another reason to slap him.

"You know the Ood?"

"…Yes."

"The Ood. The ones with the bald heads and all those tentacle-y things?"

"_Yes,_ Donna." The Doctor groaned, not really seeing where this conversation was going.

"Well you know the Ood, right?"

"…Donna, you just asked me that."

"Well you don't have to be so rude about it!" She snapped, crossing her arms.

"Anyway, when we were back on that planet or whatever, I was looking at the Ood and I thought: You know what? They look like they've got a big old Cuttlefish for a head!"

The Doctor turned to face her, completely confused.

_"What?"_

"You know, Cuttlefish! Weird floaty-swimmy-things that look like baby octopuses?" She asked, only to get a completely blank look from the Time Lord.

"God! You've never seen a bloody Cuttlefish before, have you?!"

The Doctor turned back to the console, completely mortified, only for Donna to continue her taunting.

"You've been all over the flipping universe! You've seen Slitheen and Judoon and Daleks and-and I don't know what! But you've never seen a measly Cuttlefish! Ha!"

The Doctor gritted his teeth, steering the TARDIS in the direction of Earth. Morse specifically, he focused on landing them in 2011; Australia, the Great Barrier Reef.

"I still can't believe it!" Donna laughed as the TARDIS came to a halt.

"Finally! Something in the Universe you haven't seen yet!"

"That's enough, Donna."

"But I mean, _seriously!_ 900 years of time and space and I find something you haven't seen! That's gotta be some kind of record!"

She walked over to the door and opened it, only to slam it and run back behind the console.

"W-We're underwater!" She exclaimed, grabbing onto the sleeve of the Doctor's Trenchcoat.

"We're flipping UNDERWATER!"

"Oh yes!"

The Doctor grinned, running over and opening the door. She ducked, awaiting a sudden violent onslaught of water, but nothing happened. She slowly stood up, only to be met with the taunting gaze of the Doctor.

"Temporal field around the TARDIS." He laughed as Donna got up and walked over to the door, staring out into the crystal-blue ocean.

"Cool, huh?"

She turned around and slapped him.

"I thought we could've DROWNED!"

"OW!" he rubbed is face where she'd slapped him, only to get slapped again.

"Ooh! Doctor, there's one!"

"What?" He looked out the door, not seeing anything in particular.

Donna rolled her eyes.

"A Cuttlefish, you big dumbo! There's a Cuttlefish right there!"

"Where?"

"THERE!" She yelled, pointing to a tiny, brightly-colored, octopus-looking creature swimming in front of them.

"Oh, look at _that!_ That is _absolutely _brilliant!" He grinned like a young child presented with an entire plate of cookies, slightly surprised and thoroughly ecstatic.

"You're right, Donna! They _do _look like the Ood! Aw, they're so cute!"

She smiled, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"Brilliant, aren't I?"

* * *

><p><strong>Next Chapter: Clara Oswald <strong>

**(PM me for requests for characters you want done, New or Old series! I'll write anything!) :)**


	2. Clara Oswald-The Dalek Nanny

**A/N: Hey guys! Thank you all SO much for all the reviews, keep 'em coming! :) And Don't worry, I will write and post all suggestions! Once I get around to it, that is.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Clara Oswald- The Dalek Nanny who can't bake a soufflé to save her life. Literally.<strong>

Clara was sitting in the Control Room when the Doctor came waltzing in.

"Doctor?"

"Ah, Clara! What is it?" He asked as he walked over to the monitor and punched in coordinates.

She looked over at him, crossing her arms.

"You said you'd met me before. Is that true?"

He turned around very slowly, while trying to come up with an easy, simple way to explain it to her without scaring her. After all, she didn't have any memories of her echoes.

"Well…um…A while back I ran into this girl in the Dalek Asylum and her name was Oswin Oswald…and, well…"

"Doctor, was she or was she _not_ me?"

"Well, that depends on what you mean…I-I mean she kind of…looked like you and….well, she baked soufflés…"

Clara noticed him beating around the bush and became curious.

"…Doctor? What exactly happened to this Oswin Oswald?"

"Oh, well it turned out that she was a Dalek and…" Realizing what he'd just said he quickly began to change the subject of the conversation.

"A-Anyway...I-I was thinking we might head to Argentina. The planet, not the country."

Clara stared at him.

"…Did you say Dalek?"

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did. You said that Oswin Oswald turned out to be a Dalek, but she looked and acted like me." Clara paused, her mouth forming a small, surprised "o"

"Are you calling me a Dalek?!"

The Doctor's jaw dropped.

"What? NO!"

"Well you're sure not calling me anything else! How many times have I been a cold metallic assassin anyway?!"

The Doctor began talking, hoping he could somehow make Clara less mad.

"Well, I've only met you twice before in this regeneration…a-and the second time you were a Duchess masquerading as a barmaid…or was it the other way around?"

"And let me guess, she turned out to be a Cyberman?"

"No…"

"Well then what happened to her?"

The Doctor coughed, sure that Clara would kill him for telling her all this.

"Um…she…kind of…well, it wasn't my fault, but she-"

"-Get to the point!"

"She…kind of…fell out of the sky and…died."

Clara's eyes grew wide.

"GOD, Doctor! Do I die every single time I meet you?! How am I gonna die this time around?!"

He rubbed his face where she'd slapped him.

"You're not going to die this time around."

"Well, that's very very not true because we all die eventually!"

The Doctor stared at her.

"…That's…that's really quite depressing…."

She shrugged, before grabbing her whisk and walking out of the Console Room and down the hall towards the kitchen.

**Next Chapter: The Kandyman (Thanks to BannerFanner!)**


	3. The Kandyman-The Bloke made of Licorice

**A/N: Okay, so there was a rumor a while back that the Kandyman was going to return as the main villain for Matt Smith's first season. It was a joke, of course, but you just know I had to write a fic about it! ;)**

* * *

><p><strong>The Kandyman- The Bloke made of licorice<strong>

The Doctor, Amy and Rory were in the TARDIS flying through time and space when suddenly, a message appeared on the Doctor's psychic paper. The Doctor pulled it out, only to glance down at it in shock.

"Amy! Rory! We need to go to Terra Alpha immediately!"

Amy looked at him.

_"…Why?"_

"Because one of my old enemies has returned to oppress the Pipe people, and they need our help." He said, steering the TARDIS in the direction of Terra Alpha.

* * *

><p>After they landed, the Doctor turned to face his companions.<p>

"Be very, very quiet…"

Suddenly a group of women with bright pink and red hair and wearing all beige appeared, each carrying an ice cream cone.

"AH! People with pink hair!" Rory screamed like a little girl, hiding behind Amy.

"Get a grip, Stupid-head."

"Have you seen the Doctor?" One of the women asked.

Amy started to say something, but the Doctor clapped a hand over her and Rory's mouths.

"No, sorry…Did you try the forest?"

"We're in the forest."

"Right! We are, aren't we? Um…then, did you check…under the kitchen sink in the Licorice Manufacturing Company's executive office?"

"…No…"

"Well then you might want to check there! Goodbye!"

* * *

><p>The Doctor and his companions walked through the forest, before they were knocked over by a short man carrying an umbrella and a young woman wearing a leather army jacket.<p>

"Ow! Watch where you're going!" Amy groaned, landing on her butt.

The shorter man scrambled to his feet.

"Sorry! So sorry, ah…who are you exactly?"

The Doctor looked at him.

"I'm…You're…" He held out his hand.

"Hello Doctor, I'm the Doctor."

She shorter Doctor grinned.

"Oh, so then you're me from a later regeneration!"

The blonde woman wearing the army jacket looked confused.

"So…you're him?" She asked, staring at the Bowtie-clad Time Lord.

"Ace! Brilliant to see you again!" He hugged her; much to the surprise of the assembled companions.

Ace looked over at Amy and Rory.

"Who are they?"

The shorter Doctor shrugged, but Amy and Rory introduced themselves.

"I'm Amy and this is Rory. So, you're a companion too?"

"Yup!"

"Wanna go back to the TARDIS and talk about all the weird and slightly life-scarring things we've been through?"

"Sure!" Then they all skipped away, leaving the two Doctors standing in the middle of the forest.

"So…Doctor. Where's the Kandyman?"

"Oh, he exploded." The shorter Doctor shrugged.

"Ace and I blew him up."

"No you didn't!" A strange, squeaky voice said. The two Doctors turned around, only to come face to face with a giant creature made entirely out of candy.

"Hello, Doctor."

Suddenly a giant mob of children ran out of the forest and jumped onto the Kandyman.

"CAAAAANDYYYYYY!"

The shorter Doctor looked alarmed. "They'll die! His candy kills!"

"Yeah, but you're forgetting something." The Doctor with the bowtie said, pointing to the children who were all still alive.

"He's not made out of his candy. He's just regular old sugar and preservatives. The least that stuff can do is give them cavities."

They both watched the children devouring the candy robot, before turning and walking back to the TARDIS.

* * *

><p>"How did a giant mob of children just show up out of nowhere?"<p>

"Beats me…"

**Next Chapter: Captain Jack Harkness**


	4. Captain Jack: The man who flirts a LOT

**Jack Harkness- The man who'd flirt with a Dalek**

"Hello, name's Captain Jack Harkness."

"OY!" The Doctor muttered, freeing Rose and himself from the handcuffs they were currently being restrained by.

"Can't I at least say hello?"

"EXTERMINATE!" The Dalek cried, spinning around.

"Jack!" Rose groaned.

"It's a bloody DALEK!" The Doctor said, freeing Jack and then blowing up the Dalek next to them.

"Yeah, but…" He protested as Rose grabbed a machine gun and began shooting the Dalek fleet, which was rapidly assembling around them.

"RUN!" The Doctor yelled, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him along with Rose and him to the TARDIS

"Come on!"

As he was being dragged away, Jack winked at the fleet of Daleks behind them.

_"Call me."_

**Next Chapter: Missy (Thanks to GriffinGirl8655!)**


	5. The Doctor finds out who Missy is

**A/N: Sorry about this, not one of my longest ones...**

* * *

><p>The Doctor was staring at the TARDIS screen intensely, reading the TARDIS analysis report that had come up about Missy. Halfway through the text he paused; re-reading the passage as his eyes grew wider.<p>

"She's WHO NOW?!"

* * *

><p>Later that day Clara walked into the TARDIS, only to find the Missy tied up on the floor and the Doctor holding his spoon over her. She instantly covered her eyes.<p>

"Whatever you two are doing, PLEASE tell me it's not what I think you're doing."

Missy looked disgusted, while the Doctor just looked confused.

"...Um, let me explain..."

* * *

><p><strong>Next Chapter: Ace McShane! (who is AWESOME.)<strong>


	6. Ace McShane- the Badass companion

**Dorothy (Ace) McShane- The Badass Girl who could beat up a Dalek **

The Doctor and Ace were trapped in the Dalek Asylum, with only minutes before they were thoroughly obliterated.

"Ace?" The Doctor looked over at his companion.

She turned her head, her blonde hair falling out of its ponytail.

"Yeah Professor?"

"Remember when I told you not to carry around Nitro-9 in your pockets?" He asked as the Daleks approached.

"Yeah..." She nodded; at the same time sawing away at her ropes with a hacksaw blade.

"And remember when I told that you couldn't beat up a Dalek with a baseball bat?" He said as she began loosening his ropes as well.

"Yeah?"

Both their restraints fell to the floor as the Daleks approached.

He turned to Ace, who was holding a homemade bomb and grinning madly.

"Rule number one: The Doctor lies."

Ace laughed, throwing the bomb and the crashing her way through the glass-panel window that was separating them from the next room. The Doctor hastily picked up his umbrella and followed after her into the next room, seeing that she'd already pulled out her baseball bat and began bashing Daleks left and right.

"Ace, how long have we got 'till he bomb goes off?"

She finished destroying a Dalek before turning back to him.

"Bout a minute, why?" She asked, picking up a rocket launcher and shooting a Dalek with it.

The Doctor grabbed her hand, pulling her in the direction of the TARDIS.

"RUN!"

***Insert dramatic explosion-scene here***

* * *

><p><strong>Next Chapter: Amy Pond<br>**


End file.
